


The Things That Change

by Previously8



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Also pesterlogs, Coming Out, Eridan is less of an asshole than usual, Gen, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid!Eridan, Internalized Transphobia, Trans Female Character, Transstuck, lots of exposition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 04:45:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6456433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Previously8/pseuds/Previously8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a bookmark on your laptop that you don't acknowledge. </p><p>(Otherwise known as Eridan's adventures in gender.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things That Change

**Author's Note:**

> A note before we begin: Eridan's experience of being genderfluid is based mainly off of my own non-binary self and is therefore only one way of many that gender can be experienced. Also, Eridan thinks some things that are transphobic by nature of still figuring what identity fits best. Please be cautious while reading if that's a worry for you!

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA and you're holed up in your room again.

Honestly, it's not that much of a surprise. It's what you do with most of your time, nowadays: You have a job as a freelance online journalist, mostly opinion pieces, and it doesn't require you to leave your itsy-bitsy apartment much.

This time, though, you aren't spitting fire writing a review of some new artist's indie album. You aren't looking at the 14 emails you've received in the past few days, open in another tab. You _really_ aren't looking at the electricity bill that is lying on the end of your bed (in fact, you're trying to ignore it). 

You wonder, if Feferi was here, if she would notice that this not-sulk is different from the others. Would she have noticed this wasn't just an artist's pity pout? Part of you, one that you refuse to acknowledge the size of, wishes she was here.

(But no, she's off with Sollux in a cushy apartment like she deserves.)

You and Fef had lived together for a while, as friends, even when you desperately held a flushed interest in her. Eventually, you confessed, she let you down gently, and things got awkward. You can't blame her, really. Pitiable you may have been, but you had never deserved someone as great as her.

She found Sollux, the athhole with a lithp, soon enough anyway. According to your friends they were perfect for each other (which explained why they moved in together so quickly-- it had nothing to do with the awkwardness between you two at all. No, really--). You platonically-hated Sollux from the beginning, and not just for taking away the best thing in your life. Everything about him irked you, from his lisp, to his obsession with the number two, to how well he treated Fef and how she looked at him. 

(But it was platonic. Of course it was. Everyone knew that a kismesissitude founded on red jealousy was never a good place to start-- too uneven, too easily escalated. Kanaya had reminded you of this point very sternly. She wasn't overly fond of you, but she was still one of the best people to go to with romance problems, and definitely the best to go to if you didn't want to be yelled at because of a strict lack of volume control.)

In any case, no matter the full story, you and Fef don't talk anymore. It may be partly because you blocked her on Pesterchum when she moved out. Her apologetic messages sent you into a rage fit during which you destroyed your phone and immediately regretted it. You had unblocked her since. If she wanted to talk with you, she could.

You definitely weren't going to talk to her first. No way.

The website on your old, grey laptop's screen shines at you mockingly. _Ladies Spring Fashion!_ , the title boasts. It turns your stomach in something akin to panic, reading those words. What are you doing?

"Fuck off," you tell it. Then you realise you're talking to your screen and that's stupid even though there's no one to hear you. 

The whole site is an amalgam of soft pastels and flower prints and skirts made of a flowy material that looks so, so, _so_ nice. It's not even that expensive-- the worst part would be shipping costs, because obviously you can't go into the store. Obviously. Why would you even want to. 

You found it last Thursday, as you'd been doing research on trends for an article. Something about it had caught your eye-- you closed it before you could analyze what it meant, but not before bookmarking it. The whole weekend, you did your best to forget about the site, to forget how it had made you feel to imagine owning the clothes displayed. There was no reason to imagine something so ridiculous, right? Right?

Today, you gave up. You'd been putting off writing pieces anyway, why not indulge in this perverse fantasy you have.

The website is beautiful. You wish you could look beautiful in clothing like that but you know as well as anyone that curves are what make a woman. (You're not a woman, you remind yourself. You just like looking at the clothes. They're prettier than clothes for men, that's all.) Your flat chest and narrow hips won't suit any of the dresses. You should exit the site. 

You should, but you don't. 

One skirt has held your attention since your first got on the site-- it's a purple one, meant to end above the knees. It comes with a narrow tan belt meant for around the waist and it's-- it's so _you_. It's only 20 dollars. Even plus shipping, you could probably even manage the purchase. 

Besides, weren't you considering applying for that job at the tiny cafe near your apartment? If you did, you'd have twice the paycheck, and besides, this site has good deals you could-- 

You stop yourself. This is getting out of hand. 

You don't need women's clothing. Sure, you've payed attention to fashion trends among women before, as a teenager, but didn't everyone have at least a peripheral notice of fashion and art? Feferi certainly had paid attention to trends, and Kanaya had too, in a way that meant inventing her own. You'd even _modeled_ for Kanaya, back in the day. As a show of friendship, you'd once been fitted for a dress when she was "Experimenting Making Clothing For Different Body Types". It hadn't even looked half bad in the end. 

Did you still have it? If you do, it's probably in the depths of your closet. You decide to search for it later. 

(And this brings up the chain of thought that if you were so willing to try women's clothing then, to have Kanaya do your make up and your hair to an extent that was probably considered cross-dressing, had she known? Have you always been this way without realising it? That's ridiculous though, you want to argue, you've always been comfortable in pants and shirts. _So has Terezi,_ a part of you whispers, _and she's a girl._ )

But you're not? 

You're not a girl, right?

Right?

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

CA: i havve some questions about fashion  
GA: I Can Say Im Very Surprised To Hear From You Eridan  
CA: yeah yeah  
GA: But I Am Willing To Answer Your Questions Provided They Are Not Rude  
CA: ok so  
CA: fuck  
CA: i havve no fuckin idea howw to ask  
GA: Typing Words Into The Box At The Bottom Of Your Screen And Then Clicking Enter Seems To Work  
CA: i knoww that  
CA: its just  
GA: Yes?  
CA: you knoww wwhat  
CA: nevvermind it wwasnt important anywway  
GA: I Do Have Time To Listen To Unimportant Questions Too If You Would Like  
CA: thanks  
CA: but i'll figure it out wwithout help 

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

You put it out of your mind. You definitely don't stand in front of the mirror with your shirt off, later, hating what you see and imagining round curves where there are only straight lines. That would be ridiculous. 

(You stand in front of the mirror and say "she" and you hate how right it feels even when the body you see is all wrong.)

There's no need to dwell on it. If you ignore this, you don't have to worry about it. 

\----

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA and your computer is mocking you.

Nothing's changed since last week: you're still procrastinating on a variety of deadlines, you have paid your bills but it doesn't change the fact that they're sitting at the end of the bed, and there's a bookmark on your laptop that calls to you every time you open Google Chrome. You didn't open the page at all this week, not even to check that the skirt was still in stock and you're proud of that. 

The thought of dressing up in so-called women's clothing makes you feel weird this week. Last week as much as you loathe to admit it, the idea sent a thrill down your spine-- excitement? Envy? Who knows. Now, though, the idea of wearing the skirt is less appealing than finally organising your kitchen disaster. It sounds uncomfortable and feels _wrong_ on a deeper level than "this is a strange obsession you should be ashamed of.

You feel... male?

It makes you shiver when you come to this realisation. Feeling distinctly male shouldn't come as a shock-- you've always been this way. Maybe it's just all the distraction that the ladies' sections of stores offer nowadays that makes you notice how little you'd like to be mistaken for a woman in this moment. 

Why had you even made the bookmark? How ridiculous. Really. Why had you even considered it?

You shut your laptop. You aren't getting any work done anyway. 

As soon as you do, you check your phone. You sigh to yourself; how predictable. There's a text alert on your screen. 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] . 

GA: Hello Eridan  
GA: I Have Determined That It Has Been Long Enough Since Our Last Conversation That It Is Acceptable For Me To Ask What It Was You Were Looking To Talk About Last Time We Spoke  
GA: I Will Admit That This Is Partly Because I Am Curious What Drove You To Ask Me  
GA: But I Am Also Willing To Offer Aid If You Require

grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  is an idle troll!

CA: i dont knoww if theres a problem at all really  
CA: do you knoww  
CA: is it normal  
CA: nevvermind  
CA: on a completely unrelated topic  
CA: i knoww that humans sometimes swwtich genders because they wwere assigned wwrong in the beginnin  
CA: its called bein fuckin transgender or wwhatever  
CA: is there  
CA: does that exist for trolls  
CA: maybe in like a different wway though  
CA: this is completely unrelated to my problem obvviously  
GA: I Have Not Heard Of Transgender Trolls  
CA: oh ok  
GA: But That Is Likely Because Alternia Didn't Provide Conditions For Exploration  
GA: Trolls Are A Diverse And Advanced Species On Par Perhaps With Humans  
GA: This Would Lead Me To Assume That There Is Such A Thing As A Transgender Troll And It Is Merely Because Of A Lack Of Opportunity That Neither You Nor I Have Heard Of Them  
GA: If You Have Questions About Gender  
GA: No Matter How Unrelated To Your Problem  
GA: I Think Rose Is More Likely To Be Able To Help You Than Me As She Is A Human And Also Has Studied Gender Extensively As Well As Trolls  
CA: ok  
CA: ill think about it  
CA: i  
CA: appreciate it kan

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

This conversation has gotten you nowhere.

You admit that's not entirely true, as you now have someone to ask if you need actual research on transgender trolls but... But you're not sure that's what you're looking for anyway. After all, you don't think you can be transgender if you are also fine with being male. ( _Right now,_ your mind whispers, _you're fine with it_ now.)

This is making you feel stupid. There is no precedent for people switching back and forth. Clearly... Clearly you were mistaken.

But the awful feeling of staring at the skirt and wanting it echoes. That wasn't false. Perhaps all you wanted was to wear nice clothes. 

You do have a penchant for being outrageous with your fashion choices (that purple cape you wore when you were 6 sweeps old still makes you cringe. Thank gog you grew out of that). Although, your clothing choices are less and less strange now, what with arriving on a new planet where the clothes you wear are considered "normal" and "hipster". No matter how you dress, though, you don't hear of men wearing skirts. It's traditional women's clothing. 

Your phone beeps again. Kanaya again?

tentacleTherapist [TT] started pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

TT: My girlfriend-- matesprit, really-- has just shown me your chat logs and it seems you have questions on the subject of human and troll gender.  
TT: You separate these questions very decisively from the problem you may or may not have had last week and in such a way that I can't help but wonder if the subject of transgender trolls doesn't relate directly to your problem.  
TT: However, as any good soon-to-be therapist I will let you begin the discussion by asking any questions you may have. I assure you that I have quite a few answers on the subject and will be very happy to educate you.  
CA: so  
CA: i dont knoww wwhat you wwant me to ask  
TT: That is perfectly fine. How about I start with talking about your conversation with Kanaya? You asked her, quote "does that exist for trolls/ maybe in like a different wway though".  
TT: To address the first part of that statement: Yes, I believe there are transgender trolls. Your species has a gender binary, and it makes sense to assume that not every troll will automatically fit into their cast role in society. As Kanaya explained so well in her answers, there is no reason for there not to be transgender trolls, really, especially since there is no chance of anyone getting culled for it anymore.  
TT: Secondly, I'd like to ask for clarification on what you meant by "in a different way". If you would like me to explain the range of human gender, which is beyond most people's knowledge, I can do so. It's safe to assume that most of the ways your species experiences gender is very similar to ours, except, perhaps in the actual physical dysphoria aspect, but that is talk for another time.  
TT: Otherwise, I can just do my best to describe the differences that there may be between a transgender troll and a transgender human. I'm sure there are many, and I have a unique perspective on the human side of things,  
TT: being transgender myself and all.  
CA: wwait hold up  
CA: youre one a the transgender humans  
TT: Yes, I am.  
TT: I was designated male at birth, by doctors who took a look at my primary sexual characteristics and went from there. However, in this case that was an error as I am female and I have been looking to rectify that mistake on their part ever since.  
TT: Sexual dimorphism in humans really is a bother.  
CA: ok then  
TT: So, which of the two options I presented as solutions is more likely to lign up with your questions? I will gladly do both, of course, but if there is one that interests you more, I can start there and we can figure out your not-problem.  
CA: im  
CA: i guess the first one  
CA: the one about the different genders in humans  
CA: i thought there wwere only twwo?

That kicked things off. Rose, the long-winded typer she was, explained not at all concisely the concept of human gender to you. It turns out there's more than two, there's a whole spectrum of gender that most humans aren't even aware of. Despite yourself, you became interested in what she had to say. 

When you asked for examples, she wrote several paragraphs worth of titles and definitions out for you. You spent only a short time looking through them, as apparently she still had more to say on the matter of the "ridiculous gender binary and the roles it forces children into from a young age". You talked together for almost an hour. 

At some point, you admitted to yourself that your curiosity was far from scientific. Some of the ways she described feeling gender dysphoria (another new word)-- the wrongness of one's body, the desire to change certain aspects of it, _et cetera_ \-- resonated far too much with your feelings the week before. 

You aren't sure what that means. You still feel like a guy right now, even if things were different before. 

One of the labels on the list catches your eye again as you scroll up through the conversation. 

"Genderfluid," it reads, "a gender identity which refers to a gender that varies over time. A genderfluid person may at any time identify as male, female, or any non-binary identity, or some combination of identities. Their gender can also vary at random or vary in response to different circumstances." 

Is... Is that you? 

Was that why some days in high school you wore scarves on top of cardigans on top of long-sleeved shirts because looking in the mirror that morning was a chore? Is that why the dress Kanaya made for you only comes to mind sometimes, when you're in an "artsy mood"? Is that why-- is that why you can't stand looking at the bookmark you made just last week?

Something in you desperately wants to scream "YES". 

You close your eyes. 

Push the conversation out of your mind.

You have work to do. You can have your breakdown later. 

(It still feels like there are butterflies in your stomach every time you think about actually having a label for how you've felt all these years.)

\---

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA and you have found an unexpected ally in the form of the human, Rose Lalonde. 

The two of you spend a significant portion of your time pestering each other. There are so many things to ask about the subject of gender, and Rose is very well versed in it. She only comments once on the lack of your pretentiousness from school, which you appreciate but also has you wondering what's brought on the change. 

(It's probably the "living on your own" thing, you decide. When you were younger you were always around other trolls, and because of the since-abolished hemospectrum, you were always put above those other trolls. Living on your own and working for yourself the past sweep-or-so has changed at least that much.)

You're not sure what Kanaya thinks of this, but when you ask, Rose writes at least three sentences on her matesprit that you can't be bothered to read. They are ridiculously flushed for each other and it makes you want to gag when you're not overcome with jealousy. You could have had that. (But you _don't_ , you remind yourself.)

The two of you talk through pesterchum for a month. Thanks to her obnoxious lectures, you do leave the house occasionally to breathe air that isn't stale and to buy fresh fruit from the stand down the block. She tries to convince you to go apply for work at the coffee shop but you aren't sure if that's a good idea. "Not yet" is apparently your new catchphrase. 

You avoid bringing up your own gender. You're still getting used to actively noticing the way it switches from male, to female, and back again. The purple skirt is still bookmarked and you feel better and better about looking at it and imagining it on your "female" days. Sometimes you still question yourself on the male ones, but you avoid acknowledging those thoughts.

Rose asks, twice, what pronouns you'd prefer she uses when referring to you. The first time it's easy to say "he/him". The second time it tastes bitter and you curl in on yourself hating the way it feels like a lie. 

The day you finally decide to admit to being not-- well, to being genderfluid, your hands are already shaking as you open the laptop. 

You can do this. This is _Rose_.

caligulasAquarium [CA] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

CA: hey rose  
CA: theres something ivve been meaning to tell you  
CA: its  
CA: wwell you talked about a lot a different genders in the beginning and i think wwell i knoww im not cis male anymore  
CA: in fact im pretty glubbing sure im not seeing as i knoww im fuckin genderfluid so  
TT: I'm happy to hear that you've figured out your gender identity. I assumed from the beginning that it wasn't just light hearted curiosity that lead Kanaya to direct you to me, but this is a very big step. Thank you for coming out to me I know it's hard to do so.  
TT: I'll admit this doesn't happen often so I'm not entirely sure what to say, but I'll have you know that I believe you one hundred percent and I'm grateful you chose to share this with me.  
TT: Also, I'll take this opportunity to ask once more about preferred pronouns. I understand this might fluctuate from time to time, but tell me when it does and I will comply.  
CA: ...  
CA: i guess right noww if i had to choose id say she/her because im female  
CA: but like it changes enough that im not sure if it matters that im using those pronouns right noww  
TT: Of course it matters! It's mandatory to respect everyone and anyone's pronouns, no matter if they change tomorrow or three years from now.  
TT: Speaking of which, sort of, is there a name you'd rather I use when you're female?  
CA: no eridans fine  
CA: thanks rose 

Your heart is still beating at a rate that is probably unhealthy. You can't believe you did it. You actually came out and Rose is going to use she/her and...

...And you really want to find out if the skirt suits you. You can do that now, right? Because you acknowledged that sometimes you feel very female you can wear the skirt, right?

( _You could have worn it before_ , part of you argues. You ignore that part. This is an obstacle to overcome _right now_. You want that skirt.)

You are so glad they renewed their stock of it last week. You had panicked more than a bit when you saw the notification "low stock" written in red, but you checked this morning and it's still available to order on line in your size. You hesitantly click on the bookmark, loading the page and can't help the grin you feel when you see it. You add it to your cart quickly without thinking too much and soon enough it's asking for your shipping address.

You can't believe you're doing this.

You're so glad you're doing this. 

(Then the universe plays a massive joke on you in the form of: 

(When the skirt you've been pining after _forever_ finally arrives, you feel too male to want to try it on. It may be aesthetically pleasing, but you don't want to be a _girl_ right now. You put the box under your bed, and leave it there.)

\--- 

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA and you are so ready for this skirt. 

You admit that you are also very excited and more than a bit nervous about trying it on. You still have very narrow hips and a flat chest, and the last thing you want to be mistaken for is a boy in girl's clothes when you wear it. You decide that's inevitable. 

The box under your bed is unassuming and brown. It doesn't have the name of the company stamped anywhere but the front. You exhale. 

Fuck this. You're going to fucking do this. 

Thanks to a pair of scissors and a lot of frustration at the packaging, you get it open. The skirt is just as great as it looked in the picture, and the material is amazing. You think you understand why Kanaya likes fashion design for women when she gets to use styles like this. 

You savour the moment, briefly. 

Then you scramble up (gracefully scramble, of course) and kick off your pants. This is _so happening_. 

Okay, so... you look like a guy in a skirt. It's disappointing and a bit staggering to see the difference between what you'd hoped and wanted to look like and how it actually looks on you. Staring at yourself in the full-length mirror, you frown. 

This isn't what you wanted. The skirt looks great, of course. You have a good taste in clothing. You might even be able to admit it looks good on _you_. But... 

You pull up your hair (it's getting long again. Usually, Fef would cut it but for obvious reasons that's not an option anymore) and put an elastic in it, giving yourself a short ponytail. You stick out your hip and feel a little ridiculous, but you look more feminine in that pose at least. This is workable. You aren't a complete disaster. 

In your head, you make a checklist of things to do. 

**Author's Note:**

> The Skirt: http://www.polyvore.com/purple_skater_skirt/thing?id=89777559
> 
> If you catch any grammatical/spelling errors, please tell me! Leave a comment to feed an emotionally starving author :)
> 
> Check me out on tumblr: everythingsdifferentupsidedown.tumblr.com


End file.
